Trust is a Tricky Wicket

11/20/16 – Trust

Trust is a tricky wicket. It comes into play in everything we do and think. Trust is even the tennis set that separates the wars inside my own head. Which voice on the court do I or rather should I trust? I realize I have a deep path to wander down inside myself related to trust but today the trust that is lodging itself within my gut is related to Todd.

I question my choice in trusting him and that makes me very angry. How is it that I am letting his actions create a war in me about who I choose to trust? Even beyond that, the concept that someone is trust worthy, my lack of general thoughts on the topic feels as if they are coming alive and are hungry for my soul. Why did I trust him? Why did he take my trust and toss it? Is that what is really happening or is trust not even a part of the equation? Is he just being who he is meant to be and it has nothing to do with trust?

Is trust just my desire to believe in the person that I have made him out to be? Is it even connected to the person that he really is? Do these ideas only intersect when he is excruciatingly authentic/honest and I have no biased or filters applied to my perception of him? How is that even possible? I don’t think it is!!

That doesn’t even just apply to Todd, it applies to every freaking relationship I have with every person in my life, work, home, family, friends, everyone.

Holy shit, does that mean it applies to every process that makes the world go round also? Is that why so many people seem to be crumbled to their knees because Trump was elected into office? Did they have such trust in our governmental processes that they trusted it would never happen? Do the people that support Trump trust him and if so, why do they do that?

I think at one point I must have trusted, probably blindly, that the Corporate America processes would protect me or that the trust I placed in CA Boss Person to do right by me (according to what I believed to be right) would prevail. Is it possible that trust was not broken but rather my perception of who and what I trusted is broken?

This is the kind of thinking (shit) that gives me anxiety. It runs marathons and NASCAR races inside my head and when I bring it to the front to process, I get totally freaked out by the enormity of it and the impacts of it that I try to shove it backwards and return to some form of ignorance is bliss position. Ignorance from your own mind is a challenge that for me seems to result in a cluster style torture headache.

I think I used to spend more time with this side of my mind when I was younger and had less societal pressure to conform to the grid of white picket fences and mortgage payments. I have no idea how to go back to trusting this shall we say “unique philosophical portion” of me without allowing it to launch an atomic bomb into my everyday me – the one that holds a job to get a paycheck to pay a mortgage to provide for my family…the one that does not cause waves or make others look sideways and go..what the hell is she doing?

So, maybe this is not all about why did I trust Todd and all the anger I have for him and for me about the current Todd situation. Maybe this is not about the hurt I feel like a razor cutting just deep enough to not cause death, over my Corporate America ‘situation’.

Maybe this is really about trusting myself.

About finding that there is not this me or that me but rather it is all just me, all the parts and that together they can and MUST be trusted. It is about trusting that cable that connects the full, whole me to the divine via the voice inside of me, the one that I have to differentiate from all the other voices so I can truly hear and TRUST.

Oh Lord, this is going be a long and bumpy journey. Please give me the strength to see it though.

10/30/17

I wrote this nearly a year ago and so much of it rings true still.  The part that has evolved is a) I am more cautious with whom I trust….still learning here b) I am trusting my own feelings and voice beyond what I have done in nearly 20 years and c) I will keep the Todd I knew for 10 years and let all the rest go.

Practice makes progress.

 

Sparkle on….

C

 

Emerging from Worry

I am wasting energy right now. I know I am doing it and I don’t know how to stop. I am away from home, in a hotel room being distracted from my binge TV watching by the sound of rain and ice pellets hitting the window. The louder it gets the more I worry. The later it gets the more I worry.

 

Will I wake up on time? Will my Uber show up? Did I leave enough time to get to the airport? Will there really be snow in the morning? Will my bags be over 50lbs now that I went shopping and bought books? Will I remember all the people I met and the ideas that were shared?

 

I have been in a bubble of profound vibration for the past 4 days and I know when the morning comes it will all be over. Maybe that is why I am worrying so much, because I know the feeling of deflation that will come when I open the door to room 1111 tomorrow morning with my bags in hand and the lights flicked out.

 

Reality will hit hard when the plane touches down. Some parts will be warm and forgiving and some will be jagged blades scratching the softness in which I have wrapped myself. I will openly welcome the love and hugs from my family but I will dread the pieces of my life that are in place solely for the point of carrying on.

 

That is really sad and that might just be the point. I have to take the little nuggets of wisdom that I scribbled in my notebook this weekend and sit with them each day. Take a pause, connect to the greater good, and feel with my body and not my mind. I have seen the path that lies before me without those things and I need to make a new choice for myself…I need to emerge from the static of the should and blossom into the rays of what could.

 

Sparkle On…

C

 

My Easy Button

So, unlike many of my posts, this one is coming in real time.  No editing, no sitting on it for 6 months, just raw, vulnerable, and honest to the bone.

I am sitting in my hotel room at this AWESOME conference, Emerging Women 2017.  I went last year and it too was amazing, hence I am here again.  The problem is….I have a headache!  I had one yesterday too.  For those that are just joining “my souls circus” you need the speed read of…I have an inoperable brain tumor that will not kill me but will give me crazy ass headaches that suck!

So, having a headache is not the story line here….the story line is what am I going to do about it?

Yesterday, I was in a breakout session on “How To Not Die From Your Emotions: Finding Clarity and Courage Through Your Crazies” with LiYana Silver.  I did an exercise where I had to bring forward my emotion and feel it through my whole body for 90 seconds.  I choose to feel the fear I have of the headaches.  The panic that the pain will strike me at a time and place where I will have little control (aka – a conference in Denver, where I am alone and I don’t want to miss anything).  In the course of the exercise I was asked to hold my emotion as if it were a young baby…my mind said…in BIG ASS BOLD LETTERS running across the screen of my brain….”I AM PART OF YOU and THAT IS OKAY”.  It felt like a huge breakthrough.  There was a sense of relief, of acceptance and a bit of freedom all wrapped into one.  But the story doesn’t end there….

I woke up this morning (yes, it is still morning in this time zone) and I have a headache.  What the hell, I thought I addressed this yesterday.  As I sit having coffee, putting my hair in rollers and figuring out my plan for the day….which could involve missing more conference because of my fucking headache it hits me…..THIS IS NOT EASY!

Having a part of you that you cannot control, a part to which you have to share control is not easy.  I am being forced to listen to my body and not just my mind.

<<I have to interject a thank you to Suzy Batiz for reminding me that listening to your body is many times way more useful than listening to you head.>>

So how did I not have this problem at last years conference?  Was it at a lower elevation…yes but what the hell difference does that make?  Where the people difference…yes, but they are all awesome so no difference there.  The difference is….last year I had my EASY BUTTON.  Last year anytime I started to feel something I took a Norco.  When a speaker said something that struck me…I didn’t really feel it, how could I?  I was pumping in the Norco like it was oxygen.  I sailed through last year on a wave of high energy, inspiration and some very potent chemicals.

I don’t have the chemicals anymore.  I stopped taking any/all medications (drugs, whatever you want to call them) that fit into the Narcotic category in 2016.  I don’t have an easy button anymore. When I feel something, I feel it.  When my left eye starts to twitch from pain or tear from fear of the pain, it just has to happen and I just have to let it happen.  It all feels a bit shitty right now because I am missing out on what I know are great speakers so I can take a nap or a rest or just deep breath in a corner so I don’t loose my shit but I have to believe…I HAVE TO, that this no easy button is the route for me and that if I miss some really cool stuff then maybe it just wasn’t my time to experience it.  Yes, I am going to have to repeat that last part over and over in my head because even this morning I have missed a few speakers already.

The good news at this very moment is that I feel safe.  I feel safe that I could tell these women, Power Circle 15, and others I am meeting each day, that this is my story and this is my struggle and I would receive nothing but support.  Thank you for giving me a safe spot to from which to detach from my easy button.

 

Sparkle On beauties….all is okay.

C

 

 

I Am Not Them

I have been in a paralyzed state of no function lately.  I received some news that made my soul feel a bit “kicked to the curb” and I haven’t wanted to expose myself to it any further than required…which really is not far.  So here is the deal…Last year I went to this AWESOME conference called Emerging Women.  I met and experienced so much positive energy during this time and for a time afterward that I was elated to begin my work as a blogger, truth teller, public speaker, and whatever it is that I end up creating out of “My Souls Circus” that I might have jumped in with both feet before even checking the water temperature.  I knew that I wanted to be on the stage at a future Emerging Women conference so not only did I mention that to my power circle at the 2016 event, I pounced on the opportunity extended by Emerging Women to apply to be a speaker on a sister stage at Emerging Women 2017.  The day I opened that email it was like my insides exploded with excitement and all the stars that would have been singing if it were night were perfectly aligned into the words – “Dare Greatly Cherisse” (see picture below of the bracelet I wear every day).

I grabbed my shapie colored markers/pens and my pretty pink paper and just let the idea for a speech flow from my mind through my fingers, spelling errors and all, onto the sheet.  It is not pretty but it is pretty awesome!  REFRAME TO RESILIENCE

I hesitated only slightly before typing up the email, answering all the required questions and attaching that photo just to show my unabashed, over the moon giddiness, about the possibility of speaking at this conference, about resilience, and being a real live truth teller like some of my best friends (these women have no idea that I am their best friend so please, lets not bother them with the details) Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle Melton, Anne Lamont, Tara Mohr, Elle Luna, just to name a few.  I guess I am very popular in my head!!

Well, my truth telling starts here kids…..I am not one of my best friends!  I do not have a best selling book, I do not own or run a successful business, I do not have a degree in anything other than plain old nerdy mathematics!  The only big speeches I have given (so far….notice how I am NOT giving up) are funerals (Granny Mae and Aunt Josie) and a few fundraising events for our local United Way.  Those were big deals to me so I am still counting them on my public speaking resume even if no one else gives a damn.  So, I am not yet the material for a big time conference and thus my rejection letter hit a bit hard.  Hard enough that I left a trail of nasty used tissue from the bedroom to the sunroom where I attempted to hide my broken from my sleeping family.  Guess I should have trashed the evidence because Husband was all confused in the morning.

So there it is…my first big time rejection.  But guess what….I AM resilient and I am going to “Reframe to Resilience” just like my speech title said!!

I am going to Emerging Women 2018 next month in Denver and I am going to light up like a golden glow stick as I meet and mingle with these awesome women and I learn from them all the bits and pieces that I need to let my sparkle fly even further.

In the wise words of my friend A.B., maybe I just need a little glitter!

Sparkle on…

C

Harnessing Strength

So I was looking for something else today and came across this GEM from January 11, 2016.  It is written on the little slips of paper that they give you at a hotel next to the phone…I guess I was traveling for work on this night.  So here you have it…my great insights regarding Strength straight  from my sloppy midnight handwriting to you!  Enjoy!!

Fuck Compliancy – Harnessing Strength

The first step in harnessing your strength is NOT to admit you have a  problem – it is to admit you have a KICK ASS character trait, and that is the only clear step in the process!

There is not a 12 step program (as much as we would love a step by step set of instructions) to becoming or embracing our strength.

For me, 99.9% of the time I don’t even recognize the parts of my own life as needing strength until after the fact, when I look back and can say – HOLY SHIT that took bass to conquer.  I often wonder if that is because fear may stop me from forward progress if I knew the strength needed ahead of time.  It makes wonder if all black diamond ski slopes should be labeled bunny hills just to get my ass on them.  Pretty sure I would make it to the bottom of both….why let fear rule my strength?

I want to share and show that being strong is not a liability to you, your family, friends, employer or employees.  Being strong is an asset that you can use to drive out the good in yourself, in others, in your community, work, etc…  The labels (oh yes, the labels) BOSSY, BITCHY, AGGRESSIVE, KNOW IT ALL, are just that….LABELS!  If we use our straight for good <<insert superhero here>>

we can move past the labels and find new lenses that reflect leadership, drive, compassion and integrity.

This is not just something for us to learn but for us to TEACH as well.  I have held my strength high out of sheer blind faith mixed with a bit of naivety and some great parenting (#ProfferTough) until some point where I have let Corporate America and _____big blank spot_____ (I suspect that big blank spot might be filled with a ton of shitty experiences) beat me down.  For my daughter (and myself) I have to reconnect with my strength as I know it is part of the true me.  I want to teach “E” how to harness her strength and hold onto it ALWAYS!  How to do that is TBD!!!

Additional commentary from today, Wednesday, August 2, 2017….

I can look back over the last few years and see that I have wavered in my ability to recognize, accept and “re-harness” my strength.  I am a work in progress but I can feel it coming back.

Interesting snip it I had in this book on the prior page…this will make you think!

in case you can read that small print it says…

Stay in balanced harmony with the field of intention to help stabilize and harmonize the forces of the universe that can get out of balance when you live from a place of excessive ego.

Sparkle On…

C

 

 

F The Should

March 2017
There are so many things running around in my head.

Is it really true that pouring yourself into something you don’t like is stress but pouring yourself into something you love is passion?
If that is the case I need to not work in Corporate American anymore.
But what then do I need to do?
Help people? What people? What am I passionate about?

I know there is something about DIPG (a type of brain cancer that impacts mostly children) that gets to my heart but I don’t understand the connection or what I could possibly do in that space to help people, to make a living or to make any kind of difference.

I like playing in jewelry making but what I generate is nothing special, nothing that would/could support my family. I wouldn’t know how to make a living doing something that I love rather than something I am just good at…I have always lived by the rules of “you are supposed to do X, Y, Z”.
SUPPOSE TO.
I really would love to say “Fuck Suppose To” but I have no idea how to proceed in any other way… but boy would I love to figure it out.

The idea of putting into my day only those things that were associated with my desires is so enticing that it almost seems forbidden. I really think there would be days when I would want to clean up after Eva and do her laundry and take care of her because I have passion about her. There would be days were I would just want to devour a good book and I want that to be okay too. There will be days where I want to work in the garden and grow beautiful flowers and healthy foods. There will be days where I want to engage with the world and share golden light. How the hell do you put all those things together into something that supports a family?

I think that might be at the core of my current issue…how do I live the life I am craving inside and still be able to support my family financially? Do I have to support my family financially? Is it possible that we could survive if I didn’t work doing what I do now? How could we change our lives so that I/we could live rather than exist (work, chores, sleep)?

Would I be happier with five outfits that make me feel wonderful versus having 5 closets full of clothes that most don’t fit? Would my daughter be happy with 90% less material things? Would we all be happier without all the excess?

I think I would like to sell off 80% of what we own and just go VERY simple. Keep the things that we can use to make other things, grow other things, and keep ourselves and those in our lives healthy and inspired. I don’t need 10 purses to do any of that.

I would like to move my job into just that…a job category. I login/go to work, do a good job and leave it at the end of the day. I don’t want to put in 150% anymore. I want to give it the basic 100% until I can walk away from it into something that I have passion about. I am tired of pretending to have passion about something that pays well and I “should” have passion about. I am not an IT person. I am nothing that should be labeled like that…I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend and good/inspiring person. Those are the only labels I want. The AVP, overachiever, banker, etc… can bite it – the walls of those boxes are too small for my soul.

As of today (July 2017) I think I have found some balance in that I started My Soul’s Circus and I work on it in my time while I still give Corporate America their time in trade for my paycheck. At this point it seems like a reasonable arrangement until the Universe leads me down my next path.

Sparkle On…

C

Growth By Example?

Why does looking at the damn memory photos on Facebook make me want to cry nearly every freaking time? Sister posted photos from a Texas trip 7 years ago this afternoon and I nearly floated my contacts while trying to be productive at my day job…let’s not talk about how I saw the post while being productive, lets just call it multi-tasking!

So there in all her 6 year old glory is my daughter. She is a cowgirl, she is a ranch hand, she is barefoot and bareback on a horse with some little girl whose name escapes me.

She is cleaning stalls, pushingbarrels, riding and overalljust carousing around the 3 Queens Equestrian Center during our spring break stay.

 

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? I barley got one photo of the back of her during our trip there last week. When did she decide that going barefoot anywhere outside the house is not for her? When did she decide that working with the big kids is overrated? When did she decide that the horses would not be elated with all her loving? The even bigger question is WHY? Why did she decide all these things? As any good mother would do, I look for things that I may have done to lead her away from this primal and intuitive young girl. Let’s stop for a minute so I can fully disclose that I love with no limit, the teenager that my daughter has become so don’t even question me on that!

Did she follow my lead when I would “dress for the day”? Making sure to have proper footwear on to match my outfit and the occasion of the day. Yes, yes, I gag as I write this because I would much rather go barefoot now with a t-shirt and ripped jeans but just mere months ago I was a walking Talbots ad (and still can be if the need arises). Did she pull back from feeding the horses because I didn’t jump up each morning and evening to feed them but rather choose to spend my time sipping coffee or wine out by the pool visiting with a cousin who stopped by for a visit? Did she stop getting dirty in the barn and the arena because I was walking around with clean hands? I really am troubled by this because for all those moments she may have been watching me for queues on who she wanted to be…I was not being my true authentic self. I was being the Cherisse I knew how to be, the one I thought I should be, the one I had made up.

That all brings me to a very deep pit in the dead center of a cross in the road. Road X says, wow, you need to get in front of her now, talk to her about all these changes in your soul, in your life, in your core. Road Y says, you were doing the best you could at the time and there are no strikes for trying. Neither road is right for me right now and neither road is wrong. I am pretty sure I am going to spin on this little nugget of a cross road for a while.

Guess What…..I am still spinning.

The only conclusion I have made since writing this in April was that I have to be my true self for me and for her. She needs to know that some days I like to go barefoot and some days I like to wear heels and that both are okay. She can see now that I proudly wear a grey streak through my dark hair and my hair is sometimes a wild mess when we stroll through Target looking at everything we don’t need in life. Every day, just be the true you, every single day!

Sparkle on…

C

Who Made The Rule?

Who made the rule anyway?

Why the hell do I feel like a total looser any day that I don’t get dressed, hair & make up EVEN though I am working from my home office? Not just “working from home” but actually working at the office that I have created inside of my home. I have been working from home for the majority of my days over the last 7 years. Pretty much since my daughter started pre-school and I had to take her at some weird late morning time and pick her up 3 hours later to take her to daycare. It has been a blessing beyond believe for me in multiple ways but there are also some hard rules that I did not intentionally put into place that are causing me grief now that I am working towards my soul shift.

Like wearing makeup!

I have some kind of mental block that says, “you are not really prepared and ready to face the day unless you have on your make up”. Really, what the hell is that about? Lately I have been putting on my makeup sometime around 2pm just to make it seem like I have been a fresh little worker bee all day when really I was wearing my PJ’s and working since I rolled out of bed the second time just before 9am. That has to change. If I show up….ME, just me, that is all that matters…RIGHT?

This is where I twist in the wind a bit.

I know it is okay to do things that make me feel better about myself. Dressing, hair and make up have been true markers of this for me in the past. Do I have to kick them to the curb to be true to myself? OR, can I make the call from one day to the next about what fits into my world THAT DAY? Will I abuse this revised policy by always wearing my PJ’s all day and then actually become a slug like I mentally label myself OR to I practice some self love and remind myself that it really does not freaking matter what I look like while I sit in front of the computer and do work or talk on a conference line.

Also, what kind of example am I setting for my daughter? Do I want her to know that it is only HER that matters and not all the exterior stuff or do I want her to know that it is okay to do things that make you feel more whole…but why would she not feel whole just as she is?

Do you see the war here, the teeter-totter, the pendulum swinging?

HOLY HELL, it is no wonder my head hurts all the time!

So here is another “this or that” situation. Love yourself as you are at this moment BUT be healthy/active etc. Well, I am over weight, not healthy or active and I am finding it really difficult to love myself the way I am. Yes, I am doing something about it but this battle will always be there because I will breathe, eat and live. How do I reconcile it in my head and make peace with my stance?

Since writing this nearly 6 months ago, I really feel like I am closer to owning the job of making my own rules.  Granted I have to remind myself nearly every day that I am the maker and breaker of these rules but it is progress.  I wear my hair in these silly little pebbles pony tails on the top of my head most days and I really like it.  It is rare to find me in a business suit anymore because now I put a flowing Kimono over my sheath dress rather than a tailored jacket.  Sometimes, I even leave the house now with no make up.  AND, I am feeling pretty good about my new rule…JUST BE ME, what ever that is on that day.  So if you see me out in the world, don’t make a stink about my crazy hair or my multi color toenail polish, because you just never know what I found more important to spend my time on that day than my appearance!

 

Sparkle on…even when your sparkle is a mixed bag of crazy!

C

Still Here

It has been rather quite over here on the Souls Circus blog but not quite in the reality of my world. Some pretty major things have been happening here and although I have been writing about them, I haven’t been able to post them because they are just plan raw AND it is not all about me…I know right, who knew!! HA

Out of respect to my family I had to lay low for a bit to let the dust settle on some really deep emotions and yeah, I work full time so….I am human and I don’t get to do everything I want all the time.

Here are a few things you can plan to hear about in the near future…
-Medication labels are kind of important.
-Giving up booze probably won’t make you thin, DAMN IT!
-Seeing the Angels in action….#ProfferTough
-A little thing I like to call “RUSH RESILIENCE” and how it can be used to make us better people.
-I have lost my validation….guess where I found it?
-When all the crazy shit in life lines up to create something really profound.
-The answer is not in my hammock although I wish it was!

Just writing the line up has me excited all over again. I like being excited, it beats the hell out of feeling used up and spent over something you don’t really even have passion about!

Grab a coffee, adult beverage or a tea and plop on the couch so we can catch up soon.

Sparkle on…
C

P.S.  Here is a picture of Stella! Who doesn’t love a pretty pug?

Faith over Fear

I told myself  that when I got to TEN posts I would publish my site to friends and family.  So, I have been sitting at NINE posts for nearly a month simply because of FEAR!

Fear is my constant companion but the one I never intentionally invited along for the ride in life.  I think one of the big aspects of this journey I am on is redefining the relationship I have with my fear…lets call her Ida…already she seems less scary when I just call her Ida.

So, what has Ida been up to the last few weeks as she so diligently kept me from sharing my thoughts with the world.

Ida says:

People will not care what I have to say.
People will judge harshly the secrets that I have kept.
People will not want to be my friends anymore.

That I am not good enough to write a blog.
That I am not good enough to write a book.
That I am not good enough to be a public speaker.

Audiences will not resinate with what I speak.
Audiences will not feel the impact that I feel in my thoughts and words.
Audiences will not accept my experiences are relevant.

Well guess what…I think Ida is a loud mouth bitch that doesn’t want me to spread my sparkle all over the world. So, here is my letter to Ida.

Dear Ida,

I realize that you are with me for the long hall but guess what bitchy one…you are not in charge, I AM!
I AM…Strong….Smart…Sensitive…Sassy…Sexy… and sometimes Silly but most of all,

I AM WORTHY!

I AM worthy of all that I dream of doing and becoming.

I am worthy of writing my stories and telling my tales.

I AM also resilient!

So Ida, when I tell tough stories about love/loss, rape/recovery, demons/angels, I will survive the critics and I will rise above the shame and I will go on to free my soul, live my dreams and maybe, just maybe impact one other person in a positive way so that they too can see they are worthy and resilient and all the other things they knew deep inside that they could be.
I suggest Ida, that you cool your chops, hop in the back seat for the ride and focus on keeping me on the rails rather than always seeking to throw me off the rails.

Sincerely,
Me

HERE I AM WORLD. Welcome to my Souls Circus….Let the sparkle fall where it may!
Cherisse