Trust is a Tricky Wicket

11/20/16 – Trust

Trust is a tricky wicket. It comes into play in everything we do and think. Trust is even the tennis set that separates the wars inside my own head. Which voice on the court do I or rather should I trust? I realize I have a deep path to wander down inside myself related to trust but today the trust that is lodging itself within my gut is related to Todd.

I question my choice in trusting him and that makes me very angry. How is it that I am letting his actions create a war in me about who I choose to trust? Even beyond that, the concept that someone is trust worthy, my lack of general thoughts on the topic feels as if they are coming alive and are hungry for my soul. Why did I trust him? Why did he take my trust and toss it? Is that what is really happening or is trust not even a part of the equation? Is he just being who he is meant to be and it has nothing to do with trust?

Is trust just my desire to believe in the person that I have made him out to be? Is it even connected to the person that he really is? Do these ideas only intersect when he is excruciatingly authentic/honest and I have no biased or filters applied to my perception of him? How is that even possible? I don’t think it is!!

That doesn’t even just apply to Todd, it applies to every freaking relationship I have with every person in my life, work, home, family, friends, everyone.

Holy shit, does that mean it applies to every process that makes the world go round also? Is that why so many people seem to be crumbled to their knees because Trump was elected into office? Did they have such trust in our governmental processes that they trusted it would never happen? Do the people that support Trump trust him and if so, why do they do that?

I think at one point I must have trusted, probably blindly, that the Corporate America processes would protect me or that the trust I placed in CA Boss Person to do right by me (according to what I believed to be right) would prevail. Is it possible that trust was not broken but rather my perception of who and what I trusted is broken?

This is the kind of thinking (shit) that gives me anxiety. It runs marathons and NASCAR races inside my head and when I bring it to the front to process, I get totally freaked out by the enormity of it and the impacts of it that I try to shove it backwards and return to some form of ignorance is bliss position. Ignorance from your own mind is a challenge that for me seems to result in a cluster style torture headache.

I think I used to spend more time with this side of my mind when I was younger and had less societal pressure to conform to the grid of white picket fences and mortgage payments. I have no idea how to go back to trusting this shall we say “unique philosophical portion” of me without allowing it to launch an atomic bomb into my everyday me – the one that holds a job to get a paycheck to pay a mortgage to provide for my family…the one that does not cause waves or make others look sideways and go..what the hell is she doing?

So, maybe this is not all about why did I trust Todd and all the anger I have for him and for me about the current Todd situation. Maybe this is not about the hurt I feel like a razor cutting just deep enough to not cause death, over my Corporate America ‘situation’.

Maybe this is really about trusting myself.

About finding that there is not this me or that me but rather it is all just me, all the parts and that together they can and MUST be trusted. It is about trusting that cable that connects the full, whole me to the divine via the voice inside of me, the one that I have to differentiate from all the other voices so I can truly hear and TRUST.

Oh Lord, this is going be a long and bumpy journey. Please give me the strength to see it though.

10/30/17

I wrote this nearly a year ago and so much of it rings true still.  The part that has evolved is a) I am more cautious with whom I trust….still learning here b) I am trusting my own feelings and voice beyond what I have done in nearly 20 years and c) I will keep the Todd I knew for 10 years and let all the rest go.

Practice makes progress.

 

Sparkle on….

C

 

Harnessing Strength

So I was looking for something else today and came across this GEM from January 11, 2016.  It is written on the little slips of paper that they give you at a hotel next to the phone…I guess I was traveling for work on this night.  So here you have it…my great insights regarding Strength straight  from my sloppy midnight handwriting to you!  Enjoy!!

Fuck Compliancy – Harnessing Strength

The first step in harnessing your strength is NOT to admit you have a  problem – it is to admit you have a KICK ASS character trait, and that is the only clear step in the process!

There is not a 12 step program (as much as we would love a step by step set of instructions) to becoming or embracing our strength.

For me, 99.9% of the time I don’t even recognize the parts of my own life as needing strength until after the fact, when I look back and can say – HOLY SHIT that took bass to conquer.  I often wonder if that is because fear may stop me from forward progress if I knew the strength needed ahead of time.  It makes wonder if all black diamond ski slopes should be labeled bunny hills just to get my ass on them.  Pretty sure I would make it to the bottom of both….why let fear rule my strength?

I want to share and show that being strong is not a liability to you, your family, friends, employer or employees.  Being strong is an asset that you can use to drive out the good in yourself, in others, in your community, work, etc…  The labels (oh yes, the labels) BOSSY, BITCHY, AGGRESSIVE, KNOW IT ALL, are just that….LABELS!  If we use our straight for good <<insert superhero here>>

we can move past the labels and find new lenses that reflect leadership, drive, compassion and integrity.

This is not just something for us to learn but for us to TEACH as well.  I have held my strength high out of sheer blind faith mixed with a bit of naivety and some great parenting (#ProfferTough) until some point where I have let Corporate America and _____big blank spot_____ (I suspect that big blank spot might be filled with a ton of shitty experiences) beat me down.  For my daughter (and myself) I have to reconnect with my strength as I know it is part of the true me.  I want to teach “E” how to harness her strength and hold onto it ALWAYS!  How to do that is TBD!!!

Additional commentary from today, Wednesday, August 2, 2017….

I can look back over the last few years and see that I have wavered in my ability to recognize, accept and “re-harness” my strength.  I am a work in progress but I can feel it coming back.

Interesting snip it I had in this book on the prior page…this will make you think!

in case you can read that small print it says…

Stay in balanced harmony with the field of intention to help stabilize and harmonize the forces of the universe that can get out of balance when you live from a place of excessive ego.

Sparkle On…

C

 

 

F The Should

March 2017
There are so many things running around in my head.

Is it really true that pouring yourself into something you don’t like is stress but pouring yourself into something you love is passion?
If that is the case I need to not work in Corporate American anymore.
But what then do I need to do?
Help people? What people? What am I passionate about?

I know there is something about DIPG (a type of brain cancer that impacts mostly children) that gets to my heart but I don’t understand the connection or what I could possibly do in that space to help people, to make a living or to make any kind of difference.

I like playing in jewelry making but what I generate is nothing special, nothing that would/could support my family. I wouldn’t know how to make a living doing something that I love rather than something I am just good at…I have always lived by the rules of “you are supposed to do X, Y, Z”.
SUPPOSE TO.
I really would love to say “Fuck Suppose To” but I have no idea how to proceed in any other way… but boy would I love to figure it out.

The idea of putting into my day only those things that were associated with my desires is so enticing that it almost seems forbidden. I really think there would be days when I would want to clean up after Eva and do her laundry and take care of her because I have passion about her. There would be days were I would just want to devour a good book and I want that to be okay too. There will be days where I want to work in the garden and grow beautiful flowers and healthy foods. There will be days where I want to engage with the world and share golden light. How the hell do you put all those things together into something that supports a family?

I think that might be at the core of my current issue…how do I live the life I am craving inside and still be able to support my family financially? Do I have to support my family financially? Is it possible that we could survive if I didn’t work doing what I do now? How could we change our lives so that I/we could live rather than exist (work, chores, sleep)?

Would I be happier with five outfits that make me feel wonderful versus having 5 closets full of clothes that most don’t fit? Would my daughter be happy with 90% less material things? Would we all be happier without all the excess?

I think I would like to sell off 80% of what we own and just go VERY simple. Keep the things that we can use to make other things, grow other things, and keep ourselves and those in our lives healthy and inspired. I don’t need 10 purses to do any of that.

I would like to move my job into just that…a job category. I login/go to work, do a good job and leave it at the end of the day. I don’t want to put in 150% anymore. I want to give it the basic 100% until I can walk away from it into something that I have passion about. I am tired of pretending to have passion about something that pays well and I “should” have passion about. I am not an IT person. I am nothing that should be labeled like that…I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend and good/inspiring person. Those are the only labels I want. The AVP, overachiever, banker, etc… can bite it – the walls of those boxes are too small for my soul.

As of today (July 2017) I think I have found some balance in that I started My Soul’s Circus and I work on it in my time while I still give Corporate America their time in trade for my paycheck. At this point it seems like a reasonable arrangement until the Universe leads me down my next path.

Sparkle On…

C

Who Made The Rule?

Who made the rule anyway?

Why the hell do I feel like a total looser any day that I don’t get dressed, hair & make up EVEN though I am working from my home office? Not just “working from home” but actually working at the office that I have created inside of my home. I have been working from home for the majority of my days over the last 7 years. Pretty much since my daughter started pre-school and I had to take her at some weird late morning time and pick her up 3 hours later to take her to daycare. It has been a blessing beyond believe for me in multiple ways but there are also some hard rules that I did not intentionally put into place that are causing me grief now that I am working towards my soul shift.

Like wearing makeup!

I have some kind of mental block that says, “you are not really prepared and ready to face the day unless you have on your make up”. Really, what the hell is that about? Lately I have been putting on my makeup sometime around 2pm just to make it seem like I have been a fresh little worker bee all day when really I was wearing my PJ’s and working since I rolled out of bed the second time just before 9am. That has to change. If I show up….ME, just me, that is all that matters…RIGHT?

This is where I twist in the wind a bit.

I know it is okay to do things that make me feel better about myself. Dressing, hair and make up have been true markers of this for me in the past. Do I have to kick them to the curb to be true to myself? OR, can I make the call from one day to the next about what fits into my world THAT DAY? Will I abuse this revised policy by always wearing my PJ’s all day and then actually become a slug like I mentally label myself OR to I practice some self love and remind myself that it really does not freaking matter what I look like while I sit in front of the computer and do work or talk on a conference line.

Also, what kind of example am I setting for my daughter? Do I want her to know that it is only HER that matters and not all the exterior stuff or do I want her to know that it is okay to do things that make you feel more whole…but why would she not feel whole just as she is?

Do you see the war here, the teeter-totter, the pendulum swinging?

HOLY HELL, it is no wonder my head hurts all the time!

So here is another “this or that” situation. Love yourself as you are at this moment BUT be healthy/active etc. Well, I am over weight, not healthy or active and I am finding it really difficult to love myself the way I am. Yes, I am doing something about it but this battle will always be there because I will breathe, eat and live. How do I reconcile it in my head and make peace with my stance?

Since writing this nearly 6 months ago, I really feel like I am closer to owning the job of making my own rules.  Granted I have to remind myself nearly every day that I am the maker and breaker of these rules but it is progress.  I wear my hair in these silly little pebbles pony tails on the top of my head most days and I really like it.  It is rare to find me in a business suit anymore because now I put a flowing Kimono over my sheath dress rather than a tailored jacket.  Sometimes, I even leave the house now with no make up.  AND, I am feeling pretty good about my new rule…JUST BE ME, what ever that is on that day.  So if you see me out in the world, don’t make a stink about my crazy hair or my multi color toenail polish, because you just never know what I found more important to spend my time on that day than my appearance!

 

Sparkle on…even when your sparkle is a mixed bag of crazy!

C