Still Here

It has been rather quite over here on the Souls Circus blog but not quite in the reality of my world. Some pretty major things have been happening here and although I have been writing about them, I haven’t been able to post them because they are just plan raw AND it is not all about me…I know right, who knew!! HA

Out of respect to my family I had to lay low for a bit to let the dust settle on some really deep emotions and yeah, I work full time so….I am human and I don’t get to do everything I want all the time.

Here are a few things you can plan to hear about in the near future…
-Medication labels are kind of important.
-Giving up booze probably won’t make you thin, DAMN IT!
-Seeing the Angels in action….#ProfferTough
-A little thing I like to call “RUSH RESILIENCE” and how it can be used to make us better people.
-I have lost my validation….guess where I found it?
-When all the crazy shit in life lines up to create something really profound.
-The answer is not in my hammock although I wish it was!

Just writing the line up has me excited all over again. I like being excited, it beats the hell out of feeling used up and spent over something you don’t really even have passion about!

Grab a coffee, adult beverage or a tea and plop on the couch so we can catch up soon.

Sparkle on…

P.S.  Here is a picture of Stella! Who doesn’t love a pretty pug?

Aunt Nan, I miss you!

Aunt Nan, I miss you!

I lost my Aunt Nancy Proffer just over one year ago.  I have been seeing all the loving posts from her friends and family on Facebook and I felt compelled to share what I wrote last year as I struggled with my own grief.

Written Friday, June 24, 2016

As I close my eyes to rest each day I find my mind filled with images of a dark haired lady with a smile that lights the room. I think my mind is trying to tell me I need to start moving from my sorrow and grief over the death of my sweet Aunt Nan and begin to celebrate the new life she now has in Heaven and the special book of memories I have in my heart.

I am sad because I won’t be able to stop by Proffers Paradise on my way up North or my way home to see her sweet face and have a visit over diet coke. I won’t get to hear her say “I need a hug, Recey” in that happy voice that rang out to us over the years.

But I know I can celebrate the fact that she is once again united with the love of her life, Big Larry or as I knew him, Uncle Larry. I can see his big hands wrapped gently around her petite frame, providing an unseen but felt protection against anything that might sway her. Their laughter is once again entwined together creating a music for their love to live on within.

I also know I can cherish 43 years of wonderful memories.

  • The grace she shared with me in allowing me to not only try on her high heeled fancy shoes but to wear them to the bowling alley for family fun day…when she had all us kids for a week in the summer. I think I was maybe 7 years old but man did she let me feel like a grown up princess that day.
  • The patience and endurance she showed in teaching me to water ski. Time after time she held me while I put those skis back on my feet, encouraged me as she held me in the water and shouted what to do next as I flailed up out of the water and crashed back in. She cheered like I was the best skier ever when I actually made it up for more than one minute. Creating a champion out of an awkward teenager was a special skill she had for many of us.
  • Time with her at the makeup vanity was time of unparralled life lessons. How to tease your hair, why you use a lash curler and why teenage boys can be so stupid and of course the advice about girls can do anything.
  • Spending time with her at Proffers Paradise was like going into a safe haven where the problems of the world could not get to you. She always gave me the space I needed to work through whatever had brought me to the her door and yet was always sitting at the table ready to talk it though when I had questions.
  • I was so proud that I was there to wrap her in my suit coat to comfort her and keep her warm as her heart broke to pieces when she lost her love after only 47 years. She said to me it just wasn’t enough time. From that moment I knew when I found my love, I would cherish every year and pray I could have at least 47 years of that kind of love.
  • If Aunt Nan was this special to me and my heart aches this much, I know the hearts of her children, grand children and great grand children must be utterly shattered. I hurt for each of them as they figure out a way to continue forward with their lives, finding a new normal in a world where a bright shining star is now missing from earth but shines from heaven.
  • Thanks for showing me how to sparkle Aunt Nan, I love you always…C

Faith over Fear

I told myself  that when I got to TEN posts I would publish my site to friends and family.  So, I have been sitting at NINE posts for nearly a month simply because of FEAR!

Fear is my constant companion but the one I never intentionally invited along for the ride in life.  I think one of the big aspects of this journey I am on is redefining the relationship I have with my fear…lets call her Ida…already she seems less scary when I just call her Ida.

So, what has Ida been up to the last few weeks as she so diligently kept me from sharing my thoughts with the world.

Ida says:

People will not care what I have to say.
People will judge harshly the secrets that I have kept.
People will not want to be my friends anymore.

That I am not good enough to write a blog.
That I am not good enough to write a book.
That I am not good enough to be a public speaker.

Audiences will not resinate with what I speak.
Audiences will not feel the impact that I feel in my thoughts and words.
Audiences will not accept my experiences are relevant.

Well guess what…I think Ida is a loud mouth bitch that doesn’t want me to spread my sparkle all over the world. So, here is my letter to Ida.

Dear Ida,

I realize that you are with me for the long hall but guess what bitchy one…you are not in charge, I AM!
I AM…Strong….Smart…Sensitive…Sassy…Sexy… and sometimes Silly but most of all,


I AM worthy of all that I dream of doing and becoming.

I am worthy of writing my stories and telling my tales.

I AM also resilient!

So Ida, when I tell tough stories about love/loss, rape/recovery, demons/angels, I will survive the critics and I will rise above the shame and I will go on to free my soul, live my dreams and maybe, just maybe impact one other person in a positive way so that they too can see they are worthy and resilient and all the other things they knew deep inside that they could be.
I suggest Ida, that you cool your chops, hop in the back seat for the ride and focus on keeping me on the rails rather than always seeking to throw me off the rails.


HERE I AM WORLD. Welcome to my Souls Circus….Let the sparkle fall where it may!

Dear Little Debbie

Dear Little Debbie,

Come over here and have a seat, we need to talk!

We have been together nearly 40 years.  That is a long time, and a lot of history.  Remember when I used to carry you in my scooby-do lunch box to Kindergarten at Clayton Elementary?  I remember when you moved with me to St. Louis in the 4th grade, that was huge.  You were there for me when we moved back to Michigan too.  You would wait for me to get home from school nearly every day.  I love you Little Debbie, I really do.

I know you love me too.  I know you love the way I can gently pull back your perforated side.  How I can quickly pull you from your cellophane type wrapper.  I can stare at you adoringly from across the room.  I get Little Debbie, I really do.

But, the time has come.  Your smooth chocolate goodness and your inner cream filing are just too much for me.  You give me the greatest (sugar) highs but also the lowest (guilty) lows.  It is just too much for me to take anymore.  You need to go.  Take your fudge rounds, your nutty bars and your oatmeal cream pies and find yourself a new girl to love.

Please go quietly Little Debbie.  Please don’t call to me from the kitchen while I lay in bed at night.  Please don’t scream to me from behind the glass wall in the lunch room at work.  Please don’t throw yourself at me as I rush by you on my way to the produce at Meijer.

Today was our last fling Little Debbie, we are done! GTFO!

Your Ex Lova


Sparkle On!

P.S.  Don’t try to knock on Katrina’s door either, she threw you out already and I know damn well she does not want you back!


P.P.S  – Don’t even think about ganging up with those Keebler Elves to get back in here.  I’ll stomp their asses and throw them to the pugs!

My intentions with me!

That is a big question to ask of yourself…what are my intentions with me?  But from all that I have been reading lately (and I have been guzzling the books), it seems that I need to set some very clear intentions with myself.  So here is my start.  I say start because I suspect this will be an every growing and evolving thing, or at least I hope that is the case.

-I fully intend to grow my hair long enough to wear in a cute pony tail, sophisticated french twist, bohemian braid, regal chignon and the very frequent messy bun.

-I fully intend to loose the weight that has been settling on my bones like an emotional straight jacket over the past 4 years.  I intend to do this with  moderation in both food and exercise and large quantities of distraction.

-I fully intend to keep working on myself.

-I fully intend to earn my highest potential as a public speaker.

-I fully intend to charge what I am worth to be a coach.

-I fully intend to live out my inner gypsy by opening a store, “The Souls Circus” that will house my coaching business plus several comfy couches, a working area for jewelry/craft making ladies nights and TONS of fun clothing and accessory items so that my badassary can be shared with the world.  And sometimes, I will even have baked goods…because this newly thin girls loves to bake, and who the hell doesn’t love home made ‘no bake cookies’?

There it is…WORLD.  Here I come!

Sparkle on!



Irritated Compassion

So at this very moment I am really irritated and I am trying to find my compassion button. I have been working my compassion button a lot lately, sometimes with greater success than others. Below are some real life examples of me trying to move past my irritation with people and try to view them and their actions through the loving lens that covers my eyes and mind when I press that compassion button.

Road Construction

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