Dear Little Debbie,
Come over here and have a seat, we need to talk!
We have been together nearly 40 years. That is a long time, and a lot of history. Remember when I used to carry you in my scooby-do lunch box to Kindergarten at Clayton Elementary? I remember when you moved with me to St. Louis in the 4th grade, that was huge. You were there for me when we moved back to Michigan too. You would wait for me to get home from school nearly every day. I love you Little Debbie, I really do.
I know you love me too. I know you love the way I can gently pull back your perforated side. How I can quickly pull you from your cellophane type wrapper. I can stare at you adoringly from across the room. I get Little Debbie, I really do.
But, the time has come. Your smooth chocolate goodness and your inner cream filing are just too much for me. You give me the greatest (sugar) highs but also the lowest (guilty) lows. It is just too much for me to take anymore. You need to go. Take your fudge rounds, your nutty bars and your oatmeal cream pies and find yourself a new girl to love.
Please go quietly Little Debbie. Please don’t call to me from the kitchen while I lay in bed at night. Please don’t scream to me from behind the glass wall in the lunch room at work. Please don’t throw yourself at me as I rush by you on my way to the produce at Meijer.
Today was our last fling Little Debbie, we are done! GTFO!
Your Ex Lova
P.S. Don’t try to knock on Katrina’s door either, she threw you out already and I know damn well she does not want you back!
P.P.S – Don’t even think about ganging up with those Keebler Elves to get back in here. I’ll stomp their asses and throw them to the pugs!