I am wasting energy right now. I know I am doing it and I don’t know how to stop. I am away from home, in a hotel room being distracted from my binge TV watching by the sound of rain and ice pellets hitting the window. The louder it gets the more I worry. The later it gets the more I worry.
Will I wake up on time? Will my Uber show up? Did I leave enough time to get to the airport? Will there really be snow in the morning? Will my bags be over 50lbs now that I went shopping and bought books? Will I remember all the people I met and the ideas that were shared?
I have been in a bubble of profound vibration for the past 4 days and I know when the morning comes it will all be over. Maybe that is why I am worrying so much, because I know the feeling of deflation that will come when I open the door to room 1111 tomorrow morning with my bags in hand and the lights flicked out.
Reality will hit hard when the plane touches down. Some parts will be warm and forgiving and some will be jagged blades scratching the softness in which I have wrapped myself. I will openly welcome the love and hugs from my family but I will dread the pieces of my life that are in place solely for the point of carrying on.
That is really sad and that might just be the point. I have to take the little nuggets of wisdom that I scribbled in my notebook this weekend and sit with them each day. Take a pause, connect to the greater good, and feel with my body and not my mind. I have seen the path that lies before me without those things and I need to make a new choice for myself…I need to emerge from the static of the should and blossom into the rays of what could.