Faith over Fear

I told myself  that when I got to TEN posts I would publish my site to friends and family.  So, I have been sitting at NINE posts for nearly a month simply because of FEAR!

Fear is my constant companion but the one I never intentionally invited along for the ride in life.  I think one of the big aspects of this journey I am on is redefining the relationship I have with my fear…lets call her Ida…already she seems less scary when I just call her Ida.

So, what has Ida been up to the last few weeks as she so diligently kept me from sharing my thoughts with the world.

Ida says:

People will not care what I have to say.
People will judge harshly the secrets that I have kept.
People will not want to be my friends anymore.

That I am not good enough to write a blog.
That I am not good enough to write a book.
That I am not good enough to be a public speaker.

Audiences will not resinate with what I speak.
Audiences will not feel the impact that I feel in my thoughts and words.
Audiences will not accept my experiences are relevant.

Well guess what…I think Ida is a loud mouth bitch that doesn’t want me to spread my sparkle all over the world. So, here is my letter to Ida.

Dear Ida,

I realize that you are with me for the long hall but guess what bitchy one…you are not in charge, I AM!
I AM…Strong….Smart…Sensitive…Sassy…Sexy… and sometimes Silly but most of all,

I AM WORTHY!

I AM worthy of all that I dream of doing and becoming.

I am worthy of writing my stories and telling my tales.

I AM also resilient!

So Ida, when I tell tough stories about love/loss, rape/recovery, demons/angels, I will survive the critics and I will rise above the shame and I will go on to free my soul, live my dreams and maybe, just maybe impact one other person in a positive way so that they too can see they are worthy and resilient and all the other things they knew deep inside that they could be.
I suggest Ida, that you cool your chops, hop in the back seat for the ride and focus on keeping me on the rails rather than always seeking to throw me off the rails.

Sincerely,
Me

HERE I AM WORLD. Welcome to my Souls Circus….Let the sparkle fall where it may!
Cherisse

Dear Little Debbie

Dear Little Debbie,

Come over here and have a seat, we need to talk!

We have been together nearly 40 years.  That is a long time, and a lot of history.  Remember when I used to carry you in my scooby-do lunch box to Kindergarten at Clayton Elementary?  I remember when you moved with me to St. Louis in the 4th grade, that was huge.  You were there for me when we moved back to Michigan too.  You would wait for me to get home from school nearly every day.  I love you Little Debbie, I really do.

I know you love me too.  I know you love the way I can gently pull back your perforated side.  How I can quickly pull you from your cellophane type wrapper.  I can stare at you adoringly from across the room.  I get Little Debbie, I really do.

But, the time has come.  Your smooth chocolate goodness and your inner cream filing are just too much for me.  You give me the greatest (sugar) highs but also the lowest (guilty) lows.  It is just too much for me to take anymore.  You need to go.  Take your fudge rounds, your nutty bars and your oatmeal cream pies and find yourself a new girl to love.

Please go quietly Little Debbie.  Please don’t call to me from the kitchen while I lay in bed at night.  Please don’t scream to me from behind the glass wall in the lunch room at work.  Please don’t throw yourself at me as I rush by you on my way to the produce at Meijer.

Today was our last fling Little Debbie, we are done! GTFO!

Your Ex Lova

C

Sparkle On!

P.S.  Don’t try to knock on Katrina’s door either, she threw you out already and I know damn well she does not want you back!

 

P.P.S  – Don’t even think about ganging up with those Keebler Elves to get back in here.  I’ll stomp their asses and throw them to the pugs!

My intentions with me!

That is a big question to ask of yourself…what are my intentions with me?  But from all that I have been reading lately (and I have been guzzling the books), it seems that I need to set some very clear intentions with myself.  So here is my start.  I say start because I suspect this will be an every growing and evolving thing, or at least I hope that is the case.

-I fully intend to grow my hair long enough to wear in a cute pony tail, sophisticated french twist, bohemian braid, regal chignon and the very frequent messy bun.

-I fully intend to loose the weight that has been settling on my bones like an emotional straight jacket over the past 4 years.  I intend to do this with  moderation in both food and exercise and large quantities of distraction.

-I fully intend to keep working on myself.

-I fully intend to earn my highest potential as a public speaker.

-I fully intend to charge what I am worth to be a coach.

-I fully intend to live out my inner gypsy by opening a store, “The Souls Circus” that will house my coaching business plus several comfy couches, a working area for jewelry/craft making ladies nights and TONS of fun clothing and accessory items so that my badassary can be shared with the world.  And sometimes, I will even have baked goods…because this newly thin girls loves to bake, and who the hell doesn’t love home made ‘no bake cookies’?

There it is…WORLD.  Here I come!

Sparkle on!

C

 

Hi, My Name is….

Hi, My name is Cherisse and I have a brain tumor!  My husband hates when I say that but the dark side of my humor finds it funny sometimes.  I do really have a brain tumor but not the horrible kind that will kill you, I have the nice kind that just haunts me everyday!

Seriously, Don’t get pissed that I made joke about, just roll with it.

I have what is called micro adenoma.  It is a small tumor on my pituitary gland.  Does it cause my headaches, no clue!  They tell me it is not a good idea to remove it because they would have to blow away my pituitary gland to get it and it seems my pituitary gland is the mother board of hormones so, we are not going there.

I also get cluster headaches a few times a month.  I have talked briefly about those in another post.

I also get what I call monster headaches, which most people call migraines or chronic daily migraines.  I just call them hell.  They live with me nearly every day (let us call that 29 of 30 days).  Most days they hover around a 4 on a 1-10 scale but somedays they get to a 6/7 and then about 3 times a month they get to a 8/9.  10 is strictly reserved for the Spinal Headache which happens when you have a spinal tap go bad.  Anyone who has had that will realize a  10 is a special level of hell.

I survive this every day, for the past 17 years.  I work full time, I am a mom, a wife, a friend, sister and daughter.  I would like to think I am a valued member of my community but that might be pushing it a bit.  I don’t really LOVE my community and most times I am too tired and pain distracted to do much more than attend my daughters school related events.  Cleaning the side of the street for adopt a road is just too much for my plan.

I think I have tried nearly every medication out there to help.  I have even found myself in the vortex of opiate dependence THREE times (you would think I would learn)!  I am now to the point of researching meds that are not yet approved by the FDA and cannabis.  Desperate times call for desperate measures because I am NOT willing to give up on life because my head is going to explode (although it is REALLY tempting at times).

I think I have some experience to share so maybe others suffering can avoid some of the pitfalls that have wounded me or maybe they or their family can just feel a little glimmer of hope for tomorrow because I KNOW that the slightest glimmer can be what gets you up and going to find the next possible solution. I GET IT!

I also think this is all part of my plan (GOD, I really hope this is part of my plan otherwise, this is just cruel).  I need to share, offer hope, encouragement and in the process grow my soul to what it was meant to be.

Sparkle on!

C

 

 

Yesterday was…Yesterday

Yesterday was a good, no headache day.  But it was also yesterday!

I actually twirled though the house saying it is great to be alive.  My daughter looked at me like I was a bit crazy but she seemed to enjoy the fact that I was giggly and silly.  This does not happen much for someone who suffers from chronic headaches.  There are two key things that make yesterday such a wonderful experience….

  1. It reminds me that it is possible to feel like a human being.  Someone who wants to participate, and can participate in activities of life.  What a concept right!  But for me this is HUGE.  Days like this come around about once every 90-120 days so they are CHERISHED!
  2. It reminds me that I am not CRAZY!  All the other days, where I feel like some level of crap, I start to think that I am doing this to myself.  My thoughts get away from me and begin to spiral around me like toxic waste.  Thoughts like “you are fine, just suck it up” and “you are a whimp, you can’t handle pain” or “you head doesn’t really hurt, this is just normal life”…THEY CAN BRAIN WASH YOU…and it can be done fairly easy when you are in pain every fucking day.  Having a good day reminds you that those thoughts are just that, thoughts, they are NOT REAL.  It is normal to expect to feel good, EVERY DAY and let the pain be the exception!

So, I wrote in big letters in my gratitude journal last night how grateful I am for headache free days.  Today, I could write that but my list will probably be a bit more simple.  Like grateful I didn’t throw up, grateful I was able to get my daughter off to school and grateful I was able to get a least a few hours of work at my corporate job done from my home office (although while wearing PJ’s and napping a lunch).  Those things are worth being grateful too.  If they weren’t, I think I may have given up by now.  This is a hard path to travel day in and day out and sometimes  the simple things are what keep me going.

My plan yesterday was to write that next story in the headache series…what happens after that first trip to the doctor nearly 17 years ago but, that didn’t happen.  Instead I enjoyed the sunshine (although cold) by going for a walk with my husband and our two pug dogs.  I baked yummy apple treats with my daughter.  We played outside on the trampoline and we enjoyed a great dinner all together.  I am sure there was more but I was pretty pumped to be able to remember it all!  Maybe tomorrow I can continue the story as today, with even its small victories has left me exhausted and a bit bitter and cranky.

Tomorrow is another day…maybe, just maybe it can be another yesterday!

Even in the midst of the darkness, spread your sparkle EVERYWHERE!

Sparkle On!

C

 

 

It is NOT Food!

When I procrastinate….I eat!

When I am frustrated…I eat!

When I am stressed…I eat!

When I don’t feel well…I eat!

It is so NOT about the food for me, this is about my mind!  When my mind is unsettled for ANY reason, I have been finding comfort in food.  So my ass (and boobs and belly) have all grown and my unsettled remains.  Guess this plan is not working!  I have tired several things, other than food over the years (more on that later) but today’s beast that must be tamed is my mind and how I use food try and find comfort.  I need to find a better way but I suspect I might be buried in my grumpy pants for the new few days as I start the process of breaking up with Little Debbie, telling the Keebler Elves they are evicted from the pantry and give my “I will be seeing you so much less” speech to my lovely boys, Jack, Jim and Captain (Daniels, Beam and Morgan)!

Welcome to the circus!

Today and the Beginning

I want to be done. That is what keeps running through my mind as I lay in the fetal position on my bed, gently coaxing myself to breath slow and deep from the oxygen mask that covers my face. Tears puddle in the corners of my eyes as I try and force my mind to think of something other than the throbbing pain in the side of my head. All that swirls around me beyond the sounds of my household are thoughts of I want to be done. What does that even mean? I want to be done. Yes, I want the headache to be done but it is more than that. I want to be done with everything that has anything to do with my headaches, only I don’t what those things are! Isn’t that a big cluster fuck of a problem?

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Headaches SUCK

I would not wish a headache on ANYONE!

Granted, I have never been shot or stabbed but I have been through child birth and headaches are the absolute worst pain I have ever felt. Not all headaches are alike but they all SUCK ASS!

Today I am struggling with cluster headaches. These hit you like a semi truck,  leaving you flattened in the road with zero notice, BUT, they leave just as quick as they come. Mine are like an ice pick going into the left side of my head. Sometimes I have to grab onto something so I don’t fall down. If I am already sitting chances are I will stop breathing (not a smart thing to do) and my whole body will nearly freeze up. They only last 15-30 seconds…which does not seem like long but it is a really long time for that level of pain. These ice picks will come and go all freaking day long. Really makes me want to be super nice, chipper, productive person today….NOT!

The truth of this day is like this…

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Irritated Compassion

So at this very moment I am really irritated and I am trying to find my compassion button. I have been working my compassion button a lot lately, sometimes with greater success than others. Below are some real life examples of me trying to move past my irritation with people and try to view them and their actions through the loving lens that covers my eyes and mind when I press that compassion button.

Road Construction

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Dare Greatly Cherisse

Today, I step into the arena!

Thank you for the push,  Theodore Roosevelt and Brene Brown!

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better,”

“The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by duty and sweat and blood…who at the best know in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly…”

-Theodore Roosevelt

Introduced to me by Brene Brown.