Hi, My Name is….

Hi, My name is Cherisse and I have a brain tumor!  My husband hates when I say that but the dark side of my humor finds it funny sometimes.  I do really have a brain tumor but not the horrible kind that will kill you, I have the nice kind that just haunts me everyday!

Seriously, Don’t get pissed that I made joke about, just roll with it.

I have what is called micro adenoma.  It is a small tumor on my pituitary gland.  Does it cause my headaches, no clue!  They tell me it is not a good idea to remove it because they would have to blow away my pituitary gland to get it and it seems my pituitary gland is the mother board of hormones so, we are not going there.

I also get cluster headaches a few times a month.  I have talked briefly about those in another post.

I also get what I call monster headaches, which most people call migraines or chronic daily migraines.  I just call them hell.  They live with me nearly every day (let us call that 29 of 30 days).  Most days they hover around a 4 on a 1-10 scale but somedays they get to a 6/7 and then about 3 times a month they get to a 8/9.  10 is strictly reserved for the Spinal Headache which happens when you have a spinal tap go bad.  Anyone who has had that will realize a  10 is a special level of hell.

I survive this every day, for the past 17 years.  I work full time, I am a mom, a wife, a friend, sister and daughter.  I would like to think I am a valued member of my community but that might be pushing it a bit.  I don’t really LOVE my community and most times I am too tired and pain distracted to do much more than attend my daughters school related events.  Cleaning the side of the street for adopt a road is just too much for my plan.

I think I have tried nearly every medication out there to help.  I have even found myself in the vortex of opiate dependence THREE times (you would think I would learn)!  I am now to the point of researching meds that are not yet approved by the FDA and cannabis.  Desperate times call for desperate measures because I am NOT willing to give up on life because my head is going to explode (although it is REALLY tempting at times).

I think I have some experience to share so maybe others suffering can avoid some of the pitfalls that have wounded me or maybe they or their family can just feel a little glimmer of hope for tomorrow because I KNOW that the slightest glimmer can be what gets you up and going to find the next possible solution. I GET IT!

I also think this is all part of my plan (GOD, I really hope this is part of my plan otherwise, this is just cruel).  I need to share, offer hope, encouragement and in the process grow my soul to what it was meant to be.

Sparkle on!

C

 

 

Today and the Beginning

I want to be done. That is what keeps running through my mind as I lay in the fetal position on my bed, gently coaxing myself to breath slow and deep from the oxygen mask that covers my face. Tears puddle in the corners of my eyes as I try and force my mind to think of something other than the throbbing pain in the side of my head. All that swirls around me beyond the sounds of my household are thoughts of I want to be done. What does that even mean? I want to be done. Yes, I want the headache to be done but it is more than that. I want to be done with everything that has anything to do with my headaches, only I don’t what those things are! Isn’t that a big cluster fuck of a problem?

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Headaches SUCK

I would not wish a headache on ANYONE!

Granted, I have never been shot or stabbed but I have been through child birth and headaches are the absolute worst pain I have ever felt. Not all headaches are alike but they all SUCK ASS!

Today I am struggling with cluster headaches. These hit you like a semi truck,  leaving you flattened in the road with zero notice, BUT, they leave just as quick as they come. Mine are like an ice pick going into the left side of my head. Sometimes I have to grab onto something so I don’t fall down. If I am already sitting chances are I will stop breathing (not a smart thing to do) and my whole body will nearly freeze up. They only last 15-30 seconds…which does not seem like long but it is a really long time for that level of pain. These ice picks will come and go all freaking day long. Really makes me want to be super nice, chipper, productive person today….NOT!

The truth of this day is like this…

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