Heads SUCK!

Heads SUCK!

I think headaches are hardest on sunny Fridays.  I sit at my desk and work not with the happy thought that later in the afternoon I can go out and enjoy the weather by floating in the pool or working in the garden.  Instead I sit here begging my head to stop hurting long enough to allow me to get the bare minimum of work done to make progress.  If I look beyond the work day a layer of depression floats over my head like a storm cloud because most likely my time will be spent in a dark room, still with no movement while the world goes on without me.

I am glad my family is able to continue some level of normal when I am missing but my heart hurts not being able to take part.  I want to make plans for the weekend to laugh and play or just hang out with family, with friends or even on my own but all those things can’t be planned unless canceling is accepted as a probability.   And you know what, after 18 years most people in my life know this probability but 18 years is a long time to put up with it.  I wouldn’t blame anyone for limiting the invites to me simply because of my cancellation policy – and that SUCKS!  That is not how I want it to be.

Then then there is the in between time, when my head hurts enough that normal life can’t happen but doesn’t hurt enough (or is dulled by meds) that I rebel against laying in my darkened room.  There is nothing in the in between.  I can’t function but I can’t not function.  I wear yesterdays clothes because I probably slept in them, I don’t have the energy to brush my hair so the messy bun becomes my ongoing style.  Protein bars are my only source of good because they are easy.  The sounds of the mail truck and the garbage truck come in waves like a tsunami.  A simple trip to Target seems like a climb up Mt. Everest in flip flops carrying my full oxygen tank.  All my energy is devoted to sitting up in the light and pretending, even if just a little, that things are okay and I got this…many times all the energy goes into my job so I don’t loose it and there is literally NONE left for anything or anyone else.  Did I mention my family is awesome?

I am in the in between space today.  The meds I have are not working great but there are no others to take.  The opioid epidemic has taken relief even from the ER.  Even though I have paper work from my Neurologist at U of M explaining my condition and what course of treatment should be used to help me when I get so bad the ER is the answer, they won’t do it.  They will do no more for me that what I can do at home which, on days like today, doesn’t quite cut it.

The bottom line is Headaches SUCK!  That is all!

What headaches really look like…sometimes!

Attempt to sparkle on!

C