11/20/16 – Trust
Trust is a tricky wicket. It comes into play in everything we do and think. Trust is even the tennis set that separates the wars inside my own head. Which voice on the court do I or rather should I trust? I realize I have a deep path to wander down inside myself related to trust but today the trust that is lodging itself within my gut is related to Todd.
I question my choice in trusting him and that makes me very angry. How is it that I am letting his actions create a war in me about who I choose to trust? Even beyond that, the concept that someone is trust worthy, my lack of general thoughts on the topic feels as if they are coming alive and are hungry for my soul. Why did I trust him? Why did he take my trust and toss it? Is that what is really happening or is trust not even a part of the equation? Is he just being who he is meant to be and it has nothing to do with trust?
Is trust just my desire to believe in the person that I have made him out to be? Is it even connected to the person that he really is? Do these ideas only intersect when he is excruciatingly authentic/honest and I have no biased or filters applied to my perception of him? How is that even possible? I don’t think it is!!
That doesn’t even just apply to Todd, it applies to every freaking relationship I have with every person in my life, work, home, family, friends, everyone.
Holy shit, does that mean it applies to every process that makes the world go round also? Is that why so many people seem to be crumbled to their knees because Trump was elected into office? Did they have such trust in our governmental processes that they trusted it would never happen? Do the people that support Trump trust him and if so, why do they do that?
I think at one point I must have trusted, probably blindly, that the Corporate America processes would protect me or that the trust I placed in CA Boss Person to do right by me (according to what I believed to be right) would prevail. Is it possible that trust was not broken but rather my perception of who and what I trusted is broken?
This is the kind of thinking (shit) that gives me anxiety. It runs marathons and NASCAR races inside my head and when I bring it to the front to process, I get totally freaked out by the enormity of it and the impacts of it that I try to shove it backwards and return to some form of ignorance is bliss position. Ignorance from your own mind is a challenge that for me seems to result in a cluster style torture headache.
I think I used to spend more time with this side of my mind when I was younger and had less societal pressure to conform to the grid of white picket fences and mortgage payments. I have no idea how to go back to trusting this shall we say “unique philosophical portion” of me without allowing it to launch an atomic bomb into my everyday me – the one that holds a job to get a paycheck to pay a mortgage to provide for my family…the one that does not cause waves or make others look sideways and go..what the hell is she doing?
So, maybe this is not all about why did I trust Todd and all the anger I have for him and for me about the current Todd situation. Maybe this is not about the hurt I feel like a razor cutting just deep enough to not cause death, over my Corporate America ‘situation’.
Maybe this is really about trusting myself.
About finding that there is not this me or that me but rather it is all just me, all the parts and that together they can and MUST be trusted. It is about trusting that cable that connects the full, whole me to the divine via the voice inside of me, the one that I have to differentiate from all the other voices so I can truly hear and TRUST.
Oh Lord, this is going be a long and bumpy journey. Please give me the strength to see it though.
I wrote this nearly a year ago and so much of it rings true still. The part that has evolved is a) I am more cautious with whom I trust….still learning here b) I am trusting my own feelings and voice beyond what I have done in nearly 20 years and c) I will keep the Todd I knew for 10 years and let all the rest go.
Practice makes progress.