Emerging from Worry

I am wasting energy right now. I know I am doing it and I don’t know how to stop. I am away from home, in a hotel room being distracted from my binge TV watching by the sound of rain and ice pellets hitting the window. The louder it gets the more I worry. The later it gets the more I worry.

 

Will I wake up on time? Will my Uber show up? Did I leave enough time to get to the airport? Will there really be snow in the morning? Will my bags be over 50lbs now that I went shopping and bought books? Will I remember all the people I met and the ideas that were shared?

 

I have been in a bubble of profound vibration for the past 4 days and I know when the morning comes it will all be over. Maybe that is why I am worrying so much, because I know the feeling of deflation that will come when I open the door to room 1111 tomorrow morning with my bags in hand and the lights flicked out.

 

Reality will hit hard when the plane touches down. Some parts will be warm and forgiving and some will be jagged blades scratching the softness in which I have wrapped myself. I will openly welcome the love and hugs from my family but I will dread the pieces of my life that are in place solely for the point of carrying on.

 

That is really sad and that might just be the point. I have to take the little nuggets of wisdom that I scribbled in my notebook this weekend and sit with them each day. Take a pause, connect to the greater good, and feel with my body and not my mind. I have seen the path that lies before me without those things and I need to make a new choice for myself…I need to emerge from the static of the should and blossom into the rays of what could.

 

Sparkle On…

C

 

My Easy Button

So, unlike many of my posts, this one is coming in real time.  No editing, no sitting on it for 6 months, just raw, vulnerable, and honest to the bone.

I am sitting in my hotel room at this AWESOME conference, Emerging Women 2017.  I went last year and it too was amazing, hence I am here again.  The problem is….I have a headache!  I had one yesterday too.  For those that are just joining “my souls circus” you need the speed read of…I have an inoperable brain tumor that will not kill me but will give me crazy ass headaches that suck!

So, having a headache is not the story line here….the story line is what am I going to do about it?

Yesterday, I was in a breakout session on “How To Not Die From Your Emotions: Finding Clarity and Courage Through Your Crazies” with LiYana Silver.  I did an exercise where I had to bring forward my emotion and feel it through my whole body for 90 seconds.  I choose to feel the fear I have of the headaches.  The panic that the pain will strike me at a time and place where I will have little control (aka – a conference in Denver, where I am alone and I don’t want to miss anything).  In the course of the exercise I was asked to hold my emotion as if it were a young baby…my mind said…in BIG ASS BOLD LETTERS running across the screen of my brain….”I AM PART OF YOU and THAT IS OKAY”.  It felt like a huge breakthrough.  There was a sense of relief, of acceptance and a bit of freedom all wrapped into one.  But the story doesn’t end there….

I woke up this morning (yes, it is still morning in this time zone) and I have a headache.  What the hell, I thought I addressed this yesterday.  As I sit having coffee, putting my hair in rollers and figuring out my plan for the day….which could involve missing more conference because of my fucking headache it hits me…..THIS IS NOT EASY!

Having a part of you that you cannot control, a part to which you have to share control is not easy.  I am being forced to listen to my body and not just my mind.

<<I have to interject a thank you to Suzy Batiz for reminding me that listening to your body is many times way more useful than listening to you head.>>

So how did I not have this problem at last years conference?  Was it at a lower elevation…yes but what the hell difference does that make?  Where the people difference…yes, but they are all awesome so no difference there.  The difference is….last year I had my EASY BUTTON.  Last year anytime I started to feel something I took a Norco.  When a speaker said something that struck me…I didn’t really feel it, how could I?  I was pumping in the Norco like it was oxygen.  I sailed through last year on a wave of high energy, inspiration and some very potent chemicals.

I don’t have the chemicals anymore.  I stopped taking any/all medications (drugs, whatever you want to call them) that fit into the Narcotic category in 2016.  I don’t have an easy button anymore. When I feel something, I feel it.  When my left eye starts to twitch from pain or tear from fear of the pain, it just has to happen and I just have to let it happen.  It all feels a bit shitty right now because I am missing out on what I know are great speakers so I can take a nap or a rest or just deep breath in a corner so I don’t loose my shit but I have to believe…I HAVE TO, that this no easy button is the route for me and that if I miss some really cool stuff then maybe it just wasn’t my time to experience it.  Yes, I am going to have to repeat that last part over and over in my head because even this morning I have missed a few speakers already.

The good news at this very moment is that I feel safe.  I feel safe that I could tell these women, Power Circle 15, and others I am meeting each day, that this is my story and this is my struggle and I would receive nothing but support.  Thank you for giving me a safe spot to from which to detach from my easy button.

 

Sparkle On beauties….all is okay.

C

 

 

I Am Not Them

I have been in a paralyzed state of no function lately.  I received some news that made my soul feel a bit “kicked to the curb” and I haven’t wanted to expose myself to it any further than required…which really is not far.  So here is the deal…Last year I went to this AWESOME conference called Emerging Women.  I met and experienced so much positive energy during this time and for a time afterward that I was elated to begin my work as a blogger, truth teller, public speaker, and whatever it is that I end up creating out of “My Souls Circus” that I might have jumped in with both feet before even checking the water temperature.  I knew that I wanted to be on the stage at a future Emerging Women conference so not only did I mention that to my power circle at the 2016 event, I pounced on the opportunity extended by Emerging Women to apply to be a speaker on a sister stage at Emerging Women 2017.  The day I opened that email it was like my insides exploded with excitement and all the stars that would have been singing if it were night were perfectly aligned into the words – “Dare Greatly Cherisse” (see picture below of the bracelet I wear every day).

I grabbed my shapie colored markers/pens and my pretty pink paper and just let the idea for a speech flow from my mind through my fingers, spelling errors and all, onto the sheet.  It is not pretty but it is pretty awesome!  REFRAME TO RESILIENCE

I hesitated only slightly before typing up the email, answering all the required questions and attaching that photo just to show my unabashed, over the moon giddiness, about the possibility of speaking at this conference, about resilience, and being a real live truth teller like some of my best friends (these women have no idea that I am their best friend so please, lets not bother them with the details) Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle Melton, Anne Lamont, Tara Mohr, Elle Luna, just to name a few.  I guess I am very popular in my head!!

Well, my truth telling starts here kids…..I am not one of my best friends!  I do not have a best selling book, I do not own or run a successful business, I do not have a degree in anything other than plain old nerdy mathematics!  The only big speeches I have given (so far….notice how I am NOT giving up) are funerals (Granny Mae and Aunt Josie) and a few fundraising events for our local United Way.  Those were big deals to me so I am still counting them on my public speaking resume even if no one else gives a damn.  So, I am not yet the material for a big time conference and thus my rejection letter hit a bit hard.  Hard enough that I left a trail of nasty used tissue from the bedroom to the sunroom where I attempted to hide my broken from my sleeping family.  Guess I should have trashed the evidence because Husband was all confused in the morning.

So there it is…my first big time rejection.  But guess what….I AM resilient and I am going to “Reframe to Resilience” just like my speech title said!!

I am going to Emerging Women 2018 next month in Denver and I am going to light up like a golden glow stick as I meet and mingle with these awesome women and I learn from them all the bits and pieces that I need to let my sparkle fly even further.

In the wise words of my friend A.B., maybe I just need a little glitter!

Sparkle on…

C