My Easy Button

So, unlike many of my posts, this one is coming in real time.  No editing, no sitting on it for 6 months, just raw, vulnerable, and honest to the bone.

I am sitting in my hotel room at this AWESOME conference, Emerging Women 2017.  I went last year and it too was amazing, hence I am here again.  The problem is….I have a headache!  I had one yesterday too.  For those that are just joining “my souls circus” you need the speed read of…I have an inoperable brain tumor that will not kill me but will give me crazy ass headaches that suck!

So, having a headache is not the story line here….the story line is what am I going to do about it?

Yesterday, I was in a breakout session on “How To Not Die From Your Emotions: Finding Clarity and Courage Through Your Crazies” with LiYana Silver.  I did an exercise where I had to bring forward my emotion and feel it through my whole body for 90 seconds.  I choose to feel the fear I have of the headaches.  The panic that the pain will strike me at a time and place where I will have little control (aka – a conference in Denver, where I am alone and I don’t want to miss anything).  In the course of the exercise I was asked to hold my emotion as if it were a young baby…my mind said…in BIG ASS BOLD LETTERS running across the screen of my brain….”I AM PART OF YOU and THAT IS OKAY”.  It felt like a huge breakthrough.  There was a sense of relief, of acceptance and a bit of freedom all wrapped into one.  But the story doesn’t end there….

I woke up this morning (yes, it is still morning in this time zone) and I have a headache.  What the hell, I thought I addressed this yesterday.  As I sit having coffee, putting my hair in rollers and figuring out my plan for the day….which could involve missing more conference because of my fucking headache it hits me…..THIS IS NOT EASY!

Having a part of you that you cannot control, a part to which you have to share control is not easy.  I am being forced to listen to my body and not just my mind.

<<I have to interject a thank you to Suzy Batiz for reminding me that listening to your body is many times way more useful than listening to you head.>>

So how did I not have this problem at last years conference?  Was it at a lower elevation…yes but what the hell difference does that make?  Where the people difference…yes, but they are all awesome so no difference there.  The difference is….last year I had my EASY BUTTON.  Last year anytime I started to feel something I took a Norco.  When a speaker said something that struck me…I didn’t really feel it, how could I?  I was pumping in the Norco like it was oxygen.  I sailed through last year on a wave of high energy, inspiration and some very potent chemicals.

I don’t have the chemicals anymore.  I stopped taking any/all medications (drugs, whatever you want to call them) that fit into the Narcotic category in 2016.  I don’t have an easy button anymore. When I feel something, I feel it.  When my left eye starts to twitch from pain or tear from fear of the pain, it just has to happen and I just have to let it happen.  It all feels a bit shitty right now because I am missing out on what I know are great speakers so I can take a nap or a rest or just deep breath in a corner so I don’t loose my shit but I have to believe…I HAVE TO, that this no easy button is the route for me and that if I miss some really cool stuff then maybe it just wasn’t my time to experience it.  Yes, I am going to have to repeat that last part over and over in my head because even this morning I have missed a few speakers already.

The good news at this very moment is that I feel safe.  I feel safe that I could tell these women, Power Circle 15, and others I am meeting each day, that this is my story and this is my struggle and I would receive nothing but support.  Thank you for giving me a safe spot to from which to detach from my easy button.

Sparkle On beauties….all is okay.

C