F The Should

March 2017
There are so many things running around in my head.

Is it really true that pouring yourself into something you don’t like is stress but pouring yourself into something you love is passion?
If that is the case I need to not work in Corporate American anymore.
But what then do I need to do?
Help people? What people? What am I passionate about?

I know there is something about DIPG (a type of brain cancer that impacts mostly children) that gets to my heart but I don’t understand the connection or what I could possibly do in that space to help people, to make a living or to make any kind of difference.

I like playing in jewelry making but what I generate is nothing special, nothing that would/could support my family. I wouldn’t know how to make a living doing something that I love rather than something I am just good at…I have always lived by the rules of “you are supposed to do X, Y, Z”.
SUPPOSE TO.
I really would love to say “Fuck Suppose To” but I have no idea how to proceed in any other way… but boy would I love to figure it out.

The idea of putting into my day only those things that were associated with my desires is so enticing that it almost seems forbidden. I really think there would be days when I would want to clean up after Eva and do her laundry and take care of her because I have passion about her. There would be days were I would just want to devour a good book and I want that to be okay too. There will be days where I want to work in the garden and grow beautiful flowers and healthy foods. There will be days where I want to engage with the world and share golden light. How the hell do you put all those things together into something that supports a family?

I think that might be at the core of my current issue…how do I live the life I am craving inside and still be able to support my family financially? Do I have to support my family financially? Is it possible that we could survive if I didn’t work doing what I do now? How could we change our lives so that I/we could live rather than exist (work, chores, sleep)?

Would I be happier with five outfits that make me feel wonderful versus having 5 closets full of clothes that most don’t fit? Would my daughter be happy with 90% less material things? Would we all be happier without all the excess?

I think I would like to sell off 80% of what we own and just go VERY simple. Keep the things that we can use to make other things, grow other things, and keep ourselves and those in our lives healthy and inspired. I don’t need 10 purses to do any of that.

I would like to move my job into just that…a job category. I login/go to work, do a good job and leave it at the end of the day. I don’t want to put in 150% anymore. I want to give it the basic 100% until I can walk away from it into something that I have passion about. I am tired of pretending to have passion about something that pays well and I “should” have passion about. I am not an IT person. I am nothing that should be labeled like that…I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend and good/inspiring person. Those are the only labels I want. The AVP, overachiever, banker, etc… can bite it – the walls of those boxes are too small for my soul.

As of today (July 2017) I think I have found some balance in that I started My Soul’s Circus and I work on it in my time while I still give Corporate America their time in trade for my paycheck. At this point it seems like a reasonable arrangement until the Universe leads me down my next path.

Sparkle On…

C